For most women, especially African women, we usually have one relationship goal; we see you, we like you, you ask us out, and if we like you, we accept. We start dating and it eventually leads to a relationship. I heard several experiences from people of different races including my personal own which leads me to come to the conclusion that it is difficult for black men to commit.
When it comes to women, after the age of 25, we start wondering where our present relationship is going. We wonder if it is heading for marriage because we don’t want to waste anymore of our time. So this leads me to ask this question, would he or wouldn’t he propose?
The even bigger question is, what kind of man am I in a relationship with? The funny thing is we don’t think about this issue until the second or third year in, and after the third year, wondering turns into a fact. A fact that he will never propose until thy kingdom comes.
The biggest mistake that women make in a relationship in my opinion is waiting around forever for a man to change. Commitment issues are deep-rooted and they don’t change overnight, neither do they change in years.
A man either wants to commit or he doesn’t. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist to figure this out. We wait around for the inevitable and then our best years pass us by. Ladies let’s face it, until a man can get his life together; finances, education, house,… he will never settle down with you and he will in the process destroy every woman who comes his way.
I ask again, why do we wait? Why do we not move on? There is absolutely no point in watering a dead plant. Once you figure out that it’s not working, cut your losses and move on.
A woman’s intuition is something that the Almighty God gave us to protect ourselves from men since we are the weaker sex when it comes to mind games. We must adhere to it and trust it, really trust it. Deep down we hear that voice telling us to move on and find someone who wants to commit but we ignore this inner voice and end up waiting for something that will never come.
The truth of the matter is very simple; we stay with them because we are comfortable, especially if we’ve been with the same person for years. Women like myself want predictability and stability and we prefer that in a relationship. We know him, or at least we think we do, and we get used to him.
We become accustomed to everything about him and we adapt to that very idea. After 3 years we start building a future around him, with or without his knowledge. One other thing also is that, we hate change. Starting a new relationship is a very challenging concept and we prefer ‘the devil we know over the angel we do not know’. It’s that simple.
It’s just also because the thought of starting all over with someone entirely new is a drag. We begin to question the future with thoughts like, “what will this new guy be like? Will he be even worse? Will he cheat? Will he beat me? How long will this new guy take to propose? The list goes on….
I spoke to my coworkers one day after a difficult break up with my boyfriend of 3 years, and they opened my eyes to lots of issues facing women in relationships. These women were in relationships with real devils, I mean the f**king devil with a pitchfork.
They had issues ranging from infidelity to both physical and mental abuse, with theft and drugs in the middle. I began to realize why women keep going back to the same man who wouldn’t commit but treats her just right.
After speaking with these ‘broken and low self-esteem’ women who confessed how badly these men treat them, I realized that shit, my man isn’t bad at all. Their broke asses, not having jobs, drug using boyfriends were beating, abusing, cheating, and stealing from these women.
The minute I got home that night from work, I called my man, we spoke for hours and decided to work things out because to me after all, he might be taking long to propose but he is a 1000 times better that these useless men out there. It’s sad, but so true.
We stay with a man also because we keep thinking he will change, maybe if we do that special thing in bed that he likes, or cook his favorite meal, or buy him things, or even hold our tongue and pretend to agree with everything that he says.
My mother gave me a great advice about men that I will never forget…she said, “If a man doesn’t love you, no matter what you do, he doesn’t love you. She continued, “even if you cut off your head for him and present it to him as a token of your love, he still wouldn’t love your ghost.” But the exception to this theory is, can a man love you and still not commit? Or, does commitment really mean love? How long should a man take to propose?
You may have the perfect relationship. I’m talking about compatibility, communication, trust, love, affection, great sex, financial stability, fidelity, compassion, honesty, and all the great things that a true relationship is supposed to convey but he still won’t commit. You begin to wonder if the problem is you. It might be, but my money is on his fear of commitment. My theory is, he might be afraid to propose because it represents the end of his reign. I’ve always said the biggest thing a black man has apart from his dick is his ego. He feels like he’s off his game now that a woman has tamed the beast.
Every African knows that when a man comes out of his pocket to buy a ring, shit has just become real. It feels like he has given in, like that woman has him completely and there’s no turning back now.
It shouldn’t feel that way at all. Commitment phobia is a psychological issue. It’s your mind telling you that you are trapped but really you are not. I mean what is the point of dating if it is not going to lead to marriage?
I know a lot people might think this concept is naïve because the purpose of dating should be separating glitter from diamonds; kissing a few frogs till you acquire your prince. This may be well and good but must you kiss all the frogs before you meet your prince? Or must you just know a way to spot real diamonds from glitter?